Attempting to Explain Jordan’s Furniture

So it starts with a revolving door that may stop suddenly…

Excuse me as I attempt to explain from the broadest perspective what Jordan’s Furniture is to anyone not from New England.

Don’t be foolish. It’s not a furniture store.

You walk in and you see a Jelly Belly store. In fact, the floor is a painted design made up of jelly beans. There’s not so much of a lobby as it is when you go left, you see a gourmet burger restaurant. Past it is a hallway that on the right side, brings you to their furniture outlet, the largest section of the venue, but if you keep going straight it takes you to the lobby of a movie theater with two IMAX screens. You can still see the dinner table room of the furniture section from the theater lobby. However, if you take a right out of the entrance, your eyes will either draw you to the main hallway that leads to the furniture outlet or to the right of that which includes a waterworks stage in between a zipline course and an ice cream shop. There’s also a massive Wally the Green Monster sculpture attached to the wall. Did I mention that the ice cream shop signage is a giant banana split made up of jelly beans? There’s also Eliot, who has a ponytail. And the buttkickers. And on top of it all, you could’ve gotten free furniture if a Red Sox player hit a home run at one of their signs at Fenway a while back.

It’s not merely a furniture store, but it’s not really a mall when you break it down. That would be giving malls too much credit. No mall is named after one of the stores. You know what Jordan’s is? It is Jordan’s, an exclusive category on its own. It’s also the centerpiece of every fun night that I’m capable of having. My “Jordan’s nights” that I just thought of this second are the kind of pleasant nights that I thought would fizzle out once I joined the real world. The daunting and uncertain real world still has yet to come to fruition. When I, all alone, go about a two mile walk to Jordan’s, inebriate myself at the neighboring Chili’s, chow down on some burgers, watch a movie made for the movie theater (recently saw Nope and Jaws there), and head back to the Chili’s for more drinks, intellectually I know my life won’t get much better than that, but emotionally there’s something vacant. When they say to take advantage of when you have it good, I do everything but lick the floor during these times. I take pictures, stare off into the distance, what have you, all so I can consciously cherish the moment. I think about what I could be suffering through instead of cinema and suds. Forcing myself to appreciate my easy living offers limited personal value. Perhaps I just need more friends.

Ah, yes, Jordan’s Furniture! Great place! This wasn’t an ad, by the way, which is evident by my sudden philosophical reckoning. I can’t properly explain Jordan’s concisely. Just visit the place, no matter where you are located.

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